One of the questions I rarely hear in my relationship counselling sessions is, “What if I’m the problem?”
Most people come to my Relationship Counselling Clinic in Eltham, focused on what’s wrong with their partner. They’re too critical, too defensive. They’re too controlling or too needy. They want too much sex and I don’t want any. And sometimes those observations are completely valid.
But every now and then, someone comes into a session, after some deep contemplation and asks, “What if I’m contributing more to this than I realise?”
That’s when I think:
*”Now we’re getting somewhere.”*
Because while healthy relationships require two people, growth only requires one. You can’t change your partner, no matter how hard you try. You can only change yourself.
And ironically, that’s often where the biggest relationship transformations begin.
Most Relationship Problems Are Created by a Pattern, Not a Person
Here’s the first thing I want you to understand:
In most struggling relationships, there isn’t one problem person and one innocent victim. There is a system, a dance, a pattern. One person criticises – the other withdraws; One person pursues – he other avoids; One person controls – the other rebels.
Both people react. Both people are in the dance. Both people influence the outcome.
So when I say, “Are you the problem?” what I really mean is:
*”Are you doing the very things that keep an unhappy pattern in place?”
That’s a far more useful question.
One of the Biggest Signs You’re Contributing to Relationship Conflict
If you’ve had the same complaint about multiple partners in the past and now in your current relationship, pay attention.
The one consistent element is you.
If every ex was selfish, if every friend let you down, if every partner was emotionally unavailable, it’s worth becoming curious.
Not because the complaint is necessarily wrong. But because you’re the common denominator.
That doesn’t mean you’re causing the problem. It means there may be something worth exploring. Perhaps you’re choosing familiar dynamics. Or perhaps you’re bringing patterns into relationships without realising it (we call those blindspots).
When someone comes to a place and wonders, “What is my role?“, that’s a powerful place for change to begin. Not because you were at fault, but because you’re ready to be accountable for your side of the street.
And now, only now, can change happen.
Can You Hear Feedback Without Defending Yourself?
This is one of the clearest tests of relational maturity.
When your partner says, “That hurt me” what happens inside you?
It’s the most common question therapists ask because it holds the most information, and it is the place where you can shift things.
Do you become curious? Or do you immediately build a legal defence? Do you explain, justify, minimise, or bring up something they did?
Many people think defensiveness is proof they’re innocent. It’s often proof they’ve been touched somewhere sensitive.
In my experience, the more difficult it is to hear feedback, the more important it may be to listen. That doesn’t mean every complaint is accurate. But it does mean every complaint contains information.
Mature adults know how to sort through feedback without either rejecting it or collapsing under it.
One of the most common reasons people seek relationship counselling is ongoing communication problems. They aren’t simply arguing about dishes, money or parenting—they’ve become trapped in repetitive patterns, where you keep having the same fights and neither person feels heard. Improving communication isn’t about learning clever phrases; it’s about becoming curious enough to understand the experience of the person sitting opposite you.
Do You Frequently Feel Misunderstood?
This one surprises people. If everyone constantly misunderstands you, there are only two possibilities. Either the entire world is terrible at understanding you, or you may not be communicating as clearly as you think.
Many people focus intensely on their intentions. They say, “I didn’t mean it that way.” In Relational Life Therapy, when we told this, the answer is usually “Who cares?”. Relationships are built on impact, not intention.
If the same misunderstanding happens repeatedly, it’s worth asking:
“How am I contributing to this confusion?”
Are You Waiting for Your Partner to Change First?
This is one of the most common issues I see. Many people are stuck in what I call the hostage negotiation phase of relationships.
They’ve decided their happiness depends on their partner changing.
“I’ll be loving when they’re more affectionate.”
“I’ll stop yelling when they start listening.”
“I’ll become vulnerable when they stop judging me.”
“I’ll be kinder when they stop being difficult.”
Can you see the trap? Your growth becomes dependent on someone else’s behaviour. And now you’re powerless.
One of the central teachings of Relational Life Therapy is this:
Mature adults reclaim their power by focusing on what they can change – Themselves.
Do People Walk on Eggshells Around You? (And Can You Admit That?)
This one can be painful to consider, it might even go unnoticed by you. But it is worth taking a fresh look around to notice.
Do people hesitate before giving you feedback?
Do conversations often end with others apologising, even when they raised a legitimate concern?
Do you notice people get quiet or withdraw around you when you’re upset?
Do people tell you things long after they’ve become problems?
If so, there may be a reason.
People tend to avoid honesty when honesty feels unsafe. And when I say unsafe, that includes emotionally unsafe. That may mean you’re sometimes overly aggressive. But it can also mean you’re sometimes fragile, easily hurt, defensive, emotional, or overwhelmed.
The outcome is the same.
People stop telling you the truth.
And that’s a problem because intimacy requires honesty.
The Difference Between Accountability and Shame
Now here’s where many people get stuck.
The moment they recognise a problem in themselves, they fall into shame. They are full of regret and start thinking,
“I’m terrible.”
“I’m toxic.”
“It’s all my fault.”
None of that is helpful.
And the hard truth is, it’s still about you.
Shame doesn’t create change. Shame creates paralysis.
Accountability is different. Accountability says,
“Yes, I contributed to this”
The moment you own something, the other person’s nervous system can begin to settle. Thats because they feel heard and they can stop the fight. They can let go and you cm come back together.
They do not think less of you for taking accountability. Quite the opposite. It builds safety and trust. It feels like the mature adult just walked into the room—and that was you. Rather than being less, you are actually being more.
And real maturity then says,
“…and this is what I am going to do about it.”
This is a genuine repair.
And this is how you heal, transform and grow yourself and your relationship.
What to Do If You Discover You’re Contributing
1. Stop defending yourself.
Not forever.
Just long enough to learn something.
Listen, get curious and ask questions.
2. Own what belongs to you.
Not what belongs to your partner, not the whole problem and not the whole relationship.
Your part, even if it is only 1% of the problem.
Own what you can.
3. Offer empathy.
Say,
“I can imagine you felt…”
Not performatively and not too quickly. It cannot feel automatic. Take your time, and think about it. I even recommend actively allowing your partner to witness you deeply thinking about it in the moment. Really let them see you considering how they felt. Now thats a powerful moment.
You’ll be surprised at the healing that occurs from this very moment.
4. Apologise when necessary.
A genuine apology doesn’t explain away your behaviour.
It simply acknowledges its impact.
5. Offer repair.
What can you offer that can heal this moment?
The best move isn’t a cup of tea or a bunch of flowers (although they never hurt). The best repair is behavioural change. This is where most people fail.
Insight is wonderful, but insight without action changes nothing.
The Real Sign of Relational Maturity
The healthiest couples I know have something in common. They are willing to examine themselves. Not with harsh judgement, but with honesty, humility and curiosity.
They are not looking for the bad guy, nor the person who is most correct.
And here’s the beautiful paradox.
The people most worried about being the problem are usually not the biggest problem.
The people who refuse self-reflection tend to cause the most damage.
So if you’re reading this article and genuinely wondering whether you’re contributing to the struggles in your relationship, that’s actually a hopeful sign. Because healthy relationships aren’t built by perfect people. They’re built by people willing to look in the mirror. People willing to own their side of the street and willing to grow.
And that’s ultimately the question that matters most:
“Am I willing to own my own stuff, initiate a new pattern, become part of the solution, and build the relationship I truly want?”
You Don’t Have to Figure This Out Alone
Recognising your own contribution to relationship conflict isn’t about blame—it is about creating the possibility for change.
If you are ready to understand your relationship patterns and create meaningful change, you can:
Book a relationship counselling session and begin working on the patterns keeping you stuck.
or
Book a free 15-minute Discovery Call to explore whether relationship counselling is the right fit for you.
Not sure where to begin?
Take the Relationship Quiz to gain insight into your current relationship patterns and discover what may be getting in the way of connection.
Healthy relationships are not built by perfect people.
They are built by people willing to look honestly at themselves, take responsibility for their part, and choose a different way forward.
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